A Simple Matter of Trust
by Ephitania
Summary: The moments preceeding John's Proposal.


Disclaimer: All original characters and episodes are property of Henson and Company.  
  
Rating: NC-13  
  
Feedback: Is always appreciated.  
  
Summary: This fic follows along the same the lines as 'Deliver me'. The memories are bold and italicized. The present is in regular font. It occurs during the last scenes of Bad Timing.  
  
It may be a bit drawn out for some and for that I apologize.  
  
Thanks to my muse, LithiumDoll for one hell of a video. "My Immortal"  
  
"A Simple Matter of Trust" Phi Phi "Le Trelk"  
  
John...  
  
He sat alone in his quarters, staring down at the brilliant diamond ring he held tightly between two fingers. The last gift he'd received from his sister. She'd given it to him, knowing that what he felt for Aeryn he would never, could never feel for another. He should feel relief, after all the Scarrans were no longer a threat to Earth, the Peacekeepers were neutralized for the moment and Moya and Pilot were healing. Yes he should feel relief but he didn't. His insides were anything but relaxed. His gut twisted painfully, his breathing was too shallow to be of any help to his poor lungs. He stared down at the ring again. His mind said yes. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would stand in the way of any and all danger to protect him. But his heart was not sure. She'd left him twice before and the last time had very nearly destroyed him. Would she again?  
  
"Do you love John Crichton? Not him...not me. John Crichton."  
  
"Yes"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I can't do this again!"  
  
"And I can't let the one thing I love fly away in a crappy little ship!"  
  
"You once said that it was if fate wanted us to be together."  
  
"And I believe that!"  
  
"Then if it's true, we will be together again."  
  
"Running away is not fate Aeryn! Running away is running away...fine! You want fate...here! I've got fate...fate here!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Coin toss."  
  
"What? Like that side you stay?"  
  
"Absolutely, fate!"  
  
"Just make a frelling wormhole and go home."  
  
"There is no wormhole! There's only you...Aeryn anywhere in the universe. You pick the planet."  
  
"It's too late for that."  
  
"It's not to late."  
  
"No! You're not listening to me! It's too late for me!"  
  
"Aeryn you do this and we'll never see each other again."  
  
"Do you love Aeryn Sun?"  
  
"Beyond hope."  
  
"Then don't make me say goodbye and don't make stay."  
  
He'd lost her. She'd walked away from him and he'd lost her. How could she love John Crichton but walk away from him? If he were honest with himself he would admit that he knew why she'd done it.  
  
"We're in the hands of fate now. We have to trust in that. Fly safe. Goodbye John Crichton."  
  
There he sat in his module watching the one thing that matter to him more than life itself, fly out his life...leave his world. There he sat with his soul burning, his heart bleeding and his mind fractured. But she'd come back. Oh Yes she'd returned.  
  
"Aeryn you've come back? Everything's gonna be alright."  
  
But still there was that matter. A simple matter of trust...  
  
Aeryn...  
  
She sat alone on Moya's observation deck. She should feel relief. The Scarran had been defeated for the moment and they all had pardons from High Command, Pilot and Moya were healing and all were safe and unharmed. Where did that leave her...now that it was all over? Pregnant, emotionally damaged, the only resources Moya or the military. John...there was John. But what was he thinking...feeling? He'd gone straight to his quarters upon their return to the ship. Was he again retreating into himself, pushing her away because it was less painful to do so? Could she blame him? She'd hurt him so many times before. Would he ever trust her again? Would she ever really trust him?  
  
"Were you afraid to join me when I left Moya?"  
  
"Yes. I won't be recaptured Crichton. They will have to kill me if they come for me tomorrow."  
  
"I know."  
  
How could he make love to her throughout the night? Hold her and caress away her fears, only to point a gun at her the very next morning. Then leave her stranded on planet she knew nothing about?  
  
"Everybody here Aeryn! I know them all. I know Wilson, I know Cobb and I know you!"  
  
"John stop it! Keep your voice down! What are you doing?"  
  
"I know everyone! Get away from Aeryn! Get away! Back off! Every Place I've been, I've been there before!"  
  
Oh she knew it was all a mind frell perpetrated by The Ancients. But that didn't help her. He'd hurt her so badly and with her bruised budding feelings she'd returned to Moya and retreated back into Peacekeeper mode. It was safer.  
  
She didn't think that she would ever trust him again, but she had...  
  
"I am reminded at this point, of a word that you actually brought to this vessel. Hope."  
  
"I would be lost without you."  
  
"Then you will never be lost."  
  
"No matter what happens, you have worked your way into my heart."  
  
"You have shown me that I have a heart."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
It was the first time that she'd spoken those three words aloud and to him. Like a child's first steps into it's parents waiting arms. Less than a solar day later...she was dead...dead, by his hand. Yes she knew in her mind that he hadn't been in control. But it was his face, his voice and his hands that her heart remembered. And still she gave herself back to him. Still she loved him...  
  
"I shouldn't be here."  
  
"This is exactly where you should be. I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
She thrown away her fears but what of trust?  
  
John...  
  
He pulled the rowboat to the open bay doors, his heart still in turmoil. Was this really the answer? He could turn around and go back to his quarters. No, that wasn't the answer either. He stared down at the rowboat He'd brought the rowboat aboard Moya when they'd left earth, hoping to get in a little fishing. His eyes clouding with tears he continued to drag the boat to the doors. He'd never get a chance to fish with his father again. DK...DK was gone and he'd never dance at his sister's wedding or hold his nieces and nephews. His family was beyond his reach, but this family he'd found aboard Moya was here and he now had a chance to make a family of his own. God help him but he loved her. Why couldn't she trust him?  
  
I'm really sorry."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For everything. This is not how I pictured coming back."  
  
"Just fate, as usual...keeping its bargain and destroying us in the fine print. So how'd you catch this cold? Dancing ...barefoot in the rain?"  
  
"I can't talk you about that."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I really want to tell you but I can't and we need to leave it alone."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Still she didn't trust him, so how could he trust her? A simple matter of trust...  
  
Aeryn...  
  
She grabbed her leather coat and pulled it on. John wanted to talk. They had so much to discuss. The wormhole was closed, but where did that leave them? Would John search for another? Could he give up his obsession? Wormholes...just the thought of wormholes caused her stomach muscles to clench. He could loose all perspective when faced with a wormhole. D'Argo had seen it too...they all had.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm angry with myself because I can almost forgive her."  
  
"Why don't you?"  
  
"How can I trust Chiana with my heart? Can you trust Crichton again?"  
  
"He trusts these aliens."  
  
"We know nothing about them. Well at least he has a hobby."  
  
"Help me keep an eye on it."  
  
She'd left Moya this last time; the act had very nearly ripped her soul from her body. She'd lost so much; she didn't think she could loose him again. So she'd left not realizing until later that she'd never really lost John at all. So she gone home and he'd welcomed her, but she was guarded and so was he. And there it was, the question that rode her shoulders like a heavy mantel. [I]'Could she ever trust Crichton with her heart again?'[/I] She loved him beyond hope, his words...she could find no better ones to describe it.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hey"  
  
"What are you looking at?"  
  
"Nothing in particular."  
  
"I'd like to stay"  
  
"I'm sure Moya would like that."  
  
"I need to recover."  
  
"Is there any other reason?"  
  
"I need to help you look after Scorpius."  
  
"I'm not gonna hurt him. I gave you my word."  
  
"I know. I want to be here. Is that a problem?"  
  
"Are there any other oaths of silence I should know about? So you could tell me if you were pregnant?"  
  
She trusted him with her life, but her baby? Yes it was his child and he would love it. Yet still she remained silent.  
  
Trust...a simple matter of trust.  
  
John...  
  
He sat across from her, listening to her soft voice, the boat rocking gently. She was so beautiful. He wanted to taste her, hold, love her...just exist within her. But right now there were other things that they needed to discuss. It was time to lay it all on the line. He'd reached his waterloo...  
  
"You're the key. My Achilles. If he figures that out, the world and all that's in it is nothing. He will use you and the baby and I will not be able to stop him."  
  
Who was he kidding? She had his nose wide open and everyone on Moya knew it...including Scorpius. Hell even his family knew it. Livvie got a kick out of it.  
  
"What's my tell?"  
  
"Your lips, when you see Aeryn they soften just a bit."  
  
"She has a word for us. It's called yesterday."  
  
"Yeah right!"  
  
"She have a tell?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Her eyes...she's waiting for you."  
  
But did she trust him? Could he trust her?  
  
Aeryn...  
  
She moved smoothly through Moya's corridors. Making her way to the Maintenance Bay and her fate. Her mind, a jumble of memories and feelings, trust...trust had always been an issue. She'd managed to hurt him even as she needed him.  
  
"Aeryn, I figure a relationship like the one we're not having is based on trust."  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
  
"Yeah, me too because you don't trust. So...I don't know how to trust you."  
  
"I think I've earned your trust."  
  
"I would put my life in your hands, but not my heart."  
  
"So what is it going to take? What do I have to do?"  
  
"Just come back when you have your story straight."  
  
He'd walked away from her then and in that moment she knew...she knew how badly she'd hurt him. But if only he could know what it had taken her just to come back. Was he now so hurt that she'd lost all chance of winning his love or his trust? His eyes, they were so wounded and his mind had reverted back to wormholes. Is that what she'd done? Pushed him further into his wormhole obsession?  
  
When he'd disappeared down that frelling wormhole leaving her behind, she thought her life would end. Watching that wormhole close, all she could think of was him...her...the baby...them. Somehow...as it always did...it had worked out. He'd not only found his way back to her, he'd managed to find his way home...twice and when he should have been happy, he wasn't. Was it her presence? It seemed to be, so she offered him a way out. She opened the door and would have walked through, had he only asked, walked through and out of his life, his world forever...if he would have asked.  
  
"Do you want me to go back to Moya?"  
  
"We've already talked about this. It's entirely up to you."  
  
"Fine, I'll go with whatever you prefer. Look. I'm not trying to pressure you John. I'm actually trying to take the pressure off. Would you be happier if I wasn't here on Earth? You don't have to justify it or explain it, just give me an honest yes or no."  
  
They'd returned to Moya, none of their issues resolved. Both too hurt to trust and too guarded to open up again. But there was an issue that needed to be sorted immediately. Drugs! The idiot had been taking drugs to forget her! How could he have been so stupid? The answer ripped into her heart. Because she'd driven him to them. He wanted to forget her...she deserved that, but he didn't.  
  
"Do you have any idea what you've done?"  
  
"You won the coin toss."  
  
"But we loss didn't we?"  
  
"Aeryn its over."  
  
His voice had been so cold. She couldn't believe the words that were coming from his mouth. Did he really want it to end? She had to try and fight for him...her life.  
  
"So your mind is so full of this dren that you can't even think straight, is that it?"  
  
"Aeryn!"  
  
"See I did everything...everything I could to keep us together. I did exactly what you told me to and all the time you've been cheating."  
  
"Yeah, I'm a coward...move on it's over."  
  
Again his voice had been deadly in its coldness. She'd immediately shut down her emotions allowing only anger to surface. Amazingly enough he explained his reasons...and they were valid, it was Scorpius...always Scorpius. John had called her his Achilles. Could she really be held against him? Her soul had opened once again and she whispered her love against those beautiful lips. But what of trust? Could she fully trust him with Scorpius aboard? Could she trust that Scorpius no longer had control of his mind? She couldn't afford to take chances where her baby was concerned. But was it really the baby she feared for?  
  
Her steps faltered, her heartbeat increased. She placed a protective hand over her stomach. The Scarrans had tried to take her baby once they knew that John was the father. She could still feel the needles, stabbing her skin, the poison scalding her system, burning its way into her being. She could still feel the surgical spikes as they ripped into her body. The memory and the pain that shadowed it caused tears to flood her eyes. She grasped the wall for support. She'd almost lost hope, but like a hero from Peacekeeper history John had come. He was her salvation, the only thing keeping her from death. She'd prayed and he'd been the answer. She could still feel his arms cradling her as he carried her home. This man who'd risked his life for her and their child.  
  
Trust...  
  
John...  
  
His life had almost ended the moment he realized that Aeryn was no longer aboard Moya, that the Scarrans had captured her. He hadn't given up and when it came to her he never would! His answer was there. He would walk through the fires of hell and back, barefoot and naked if it meant saving her.  
  
She'd been so weak...so helpless, his Aeryn. The breath had left his body; his heart had stopped at the sight of her pinned down to the surgical table. He could have given into the rage that swept through him and went on a murderous rampage, slitting every throat on that hell bound base.  
  
"It's all right Aeryn...you're here."  
  
"Is this real?"  
  
"It's real. You're on Moya. You're safe."  
  
"What about the baby?"  
  
"The baby's fine. Everything's going to be okay."  
  
"Stay."  
  
A nuclear bomb, possible death and imminent capture, yet she never questioned his judgment. She'd stood behind him even when he'd asked her to return to the hell he'd save her from. She never questioned his need to save Scorpius. She'd left her rest bed, donned her leathers and followed him into battle. And like a knight he went into that battle with both eyes open, mind clear and heart free. The favor he used to cover his lance, her love...  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too"  
  
He'd hurt her time and again but still she'd come back. She would die for him. She would die to save him or for the love of him. More importantly, she would die with him. He felt the floodgates open suddenly; a sense of relief suffused his heart and mind. His soul was once again his own and at peace. He now knew what to do. He'd found his answer...  
  
"Aeryn, will you marry me?"  
  
Aeryn...  
  
She sat across from him in the gently rocking boat. He was so beautiful. The Sun created a glowing aura around him, or was that how she saw him? He was everything she could have dreamed. He'd proven over and over how much he'd cared. From the moment he'd carried her weak and broken body back home she was his. Her life and her child's life she placed in his hands. Her heart she placed as his feet. Where he led, she would follow. Where he walked she would, right by his side. A well armed base, a nuclear bomb, and death a high probability. She'd stand next to him, his arms around her, her hand in his. His words wrapped around her, calming her fears...  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too"  
  
He'd given up his home. The wormhole was collapsed he'd risked his life and soul to acquire peace and keep his family safe. From the moment she'd met him she'd given up her home. She could have easily remained quiet in the face of Crais' interrogation, but she hadn't. She now knew him better than anyone else. She knew his reactions, his thoughts and his fears. She even knew how to gently guide him toward his answers...  
  
"I was looking for you in Maintenance Bay. I liked your solution."  
  
"You liked that did you? You have any home remedies for writer's block?"  
  
"I know you better than that."  
  
"I'm gonna fail...it's a shame really...I'm close. There's just not enough time."  
  
"It's always about time."  
  
"Yeah time...timing...Timing! Love you, don't ever change."  
  
After all their time together, after all of the anger, the hurt, the love, the pain, the failures and the triumphs, it came down to a simple observation.  
  
"You know what scares the hell outta me? From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I could never see the end."  
  
"What scares me is I always could."  
  
And she had. Such a fool...she'd spent the past four cycles running from it and here it sat in the form of John Crichton; her destiny. She sighed in relief as the walls crumbled. Her mind free of doubt, her heart full and her soul complete, she knew in that microt that she'd found her answer...  
  
"Yes."  
  
Trust...it was a simple matter of trust. 


End file.
